Our most powerful childhood memories always seem to be the painful ones. When I “google” my brain for memories of a time before the age of 12, the most unpleasant experiences usually come up at the top of the list. The digitial image that my mind conjures up of my father (before his transformation), from my early years, is that of an angry, unapproachable man. I talk about this in my book, along with the story of how my entire family was visited by what I thought at the time were aliens from another planet. In actuality, it ended up being God. (Some of my readers may lump both ‘aliens’ and ‘God’ into a category that includes Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, but I can only tell you what happened to me and my family. You choose to believe it or not.) But that is another story…
Back to Dad…
I like these images better:
Wow..my dad really loved me. I’ve never doubted that. I grew up knowing I was loved. Even though I was scared of him as a child, I still knew he loved me. After the transformation, the anger in my father’s heart began to drain, he softened, and our relationship grew much closer. This happened just in time. I was 12. He was the only Dad on the street that played hockey, soccer or football with all the kids. All my friends liked my dad. They called him “Mr. V.”
I never gave my childhood a second thought. The transformation changed everything and there was no need to hold on to the past. At least this was my position until I kicked the dog.
Five years ago my wife and oldest son convinced me to get a family dog. We bought a really cute black Lab puppy and called her Saharah. But she grew and grew and it became obvious to me that she was too big for the house. She also had this annoying little habit of peeing all over my floor. (I was hoping that she would live up to her name “Saharah,” and be dry.) She would often come over to me and “tinkle” on my feet. This enraged me, and the angrier I got the more the dog piddled. But it wasn’t just the dog. I was angry at everything, all the time. I “barked” at my wife and kids almost every day for several months. My wife was about ready to “put me down.” My anger caused marital tension and on a number of occasions I was put out in the dog house with Saharah. My rage came to a tipping point, when I did the unthinkable: I kicked the dog.
My wife was horrified. She looked at me like I was animal. Today the dog…but who’s next. After kicking the dog, I broke. How could I have done such a thing? What was wrong with me? Why was I so angry? Then suddenly I had an epiphany. A memory came into the forefront of my mind. I rememered an occasion long before when my Dad kicked our family dog! I was becoming the angry man that I once knew. At that critical point of realization, my heart was overwhelmed with emotion and my mind was flooded with images of harsh moments with my father as a child. There was pain lurking deep within me that I didn’t even know existed. That is, until I kicked the dog. God bless Saharah. She paid a terrible price for my enlightenment.
I knew what I had to do. Shortly after, I met with my Dad and we talked. I asked him to forgive me for holding this pain in my heart all these years. He asked me to forgive him for those outbursts of anger. He cried. I was released. I haven’t felt that rage since. I also became a dog lover. I hate to admit it when my wife is around, but I actually like our dog.
Then again, I think I always liked dogs. See what I mean:
